Hi Love,

I really did my best. Don?t look at tomorrow, just look at the present day.
Really love, I had a long fight. I didn?t succeed. The Easter darts tournament was there and kept haunting in my head. A winner then, a loser now. With all our mistakes, where are you my love? Who is going to defend our title? The title of love and happiness. I feel so #$%! because life goes on and it isn?t a bad life at all. I will be all right? I?m feeling OK? does that apply for you to? Probably not. If I could just get angry?. angry with you, as you could get angry with me.
The world keeps turning and I?m turning along with it. Not because I want it, well maybe I do, but I don?t actually have a choice. It?s having a life or being lived. Which choice would you have made? Would you, like before, lie on the couch or learn nothing and fall back into your old habits? I know that you?ve had so much sorrow in the past. How much did it hurt then? How much pain do you want me to have? What is wisdom honey, tell me? I don?t know and nobody can help me with it. I miss you babe, I can?t wrap it up and I can?t go on, I just don?t know it anymore.
Sometimes people reappear after 3 years, sometimes they never come back again. Where the hell are you??? Do you want me to go on or just stand still? My heart tells me you?re still around, but my head says? go on with your life. I don?t know anymore, I never knew and I still don?t know. Well my love, what are we going to do??? I can?t stop crying and sometimes I can?t stop laughing. Out of self-defense I wished you?d never existed but that?s not what I want. Nobody ever enriched my life as much as you did. Hope and despair, peace and war, hatred and love, you and me, serenity and turbulence. Wisdom and ignorance, good and bad, do they tell me the truth or do I live in a dream? Will somebody please take away my pain and sorrow? I?m so afraid that if I?m going to do it myself I?m going to make the wrong choices. Are you making the right choices? What decisions did you take? Why aren?t you here? That would make it all so much #@$^%$ easier.
I miss you and I just don?t know how to go on anymore.

Kiss, Joys?s

Dear Marcel,

There is a saying, friendship is like a bucket, and eventually it will flow over. That would mean that I have to make a selection. I?ve met so many interesting people lately that I wonder if it all fits in my bucket.
I think that I?ll first go searching for a bigger bucket so it can handle more drops. I talked about this with Nic last week. Our unreasonable behavior, the characteristics of being both cancers, along with our positive qualities. If there has to be a natural selection, so be it.

I?ve got the same thing with tolerance. Someone threw a bicycle through the window last night. Normally I would?ve freaked when something like this happens. Now I had the feeling? it happens. Those people just have to learn a lot of things, eventually they will see the light or the bill will be presented. Personally I hope for the first option.
It wouldn?t surprise me if I go completely out of my mind the next time something like this happens, I?m just a little unpredictable at the moment. One of the few rights I have at this moment. I didn?t realized it at first because we live on an attic. If Joy?s is asleep the whole world may fall apart and I will still sleep trough it. So I was really surprised I got an afternoon wake-up call from the police, not half as surprised as they were. ?You slept trough it madam???? Well uhhh I suppose so. (It was late in the afternoon when they woke me up :-)). ?And you slept the entire time?? I had to catch up some sleep :-) Fortunately one of my roommates passed by (he just came from the police office.) and had some more information for the officers. After a friendly ?goodnight? I could go hahahahaha. Well, little girls just need a lot of sleep, besides I?m having a cold, probably due to the constant weather changes. So I spend the entire evening at home watching TV. That serves a person well.
One of the movies was very heavy, it was about bikers in Afghanistan (if I?m correct) who were kidnapped. So naturally I thought about ?A?. I wondered how realistic this film was. They did have a nice character profile of the authorities I could live with that. If that?s correct and objective remains the question, but believe me honey I?ve could have written the script myself.

I really want to visit your mom this weekend but unfortunately I have to work. We made an appointment for next weekend. It?s hard? another holiday without you two. It?s extra difficult because there is an Easter tournament (darts) this weekend, last year you won that tournament together with a friend of mine. You were so proud of yourself and now you?re not there to defend your title. It will be very hard for me on the second day of Easter.
I still don?t know what to feel and what to think. I?m trying to live on as good and bad as I can. There are moments that I?m doing all right and that I?m feeling ?normal?. But there are moments? I?m doing the things I feel I have to do or the ones that make me happy, only time will tell if it?s right or wrong. I just can?t deny myself, nobody can. At least nobody should, but I suppose these are two different things.

Love Joy?s

Hi love,

I fell asleep on the couch. So I?m a little bit tired and I got a headache. We will chat on tomorrow.

Big kiss.

Hello my Love,

There are a thousand different things I want to tell you, but tonight everything is empty and hollow. I started different phrases in my head?. But whipped them out again. I can?t seem to get my head starting and my hands quiet. I?m drifting around but I don?t seem to know where I?m going. I?m confused. Is it the moon, standing high in the sky? Where does all that turbulence come from? Why are people in general disturbed? Most of the time it?s a sign.
I?m staring at an old newspaper article; Marcel?s presence brings peace? (intervieuw I gave to a newspaper) Impossible, no option, not open for discussion, at least not for me. I did have a reasonable day, it was nice at work, great ambiance. But the restlessness was there all day long, I isolated myself a lot and I didn?t mind. Maybe it?s the turn of the weather, I can?t handle sudden changes easily and I?m sensitive for the tide. Sometimes you found that difficult to handle, but you always found a way. But the funny thing is? You are the same. Both Cancer (as in astrology). But even a cancer comes out of it?. doesn?t she? I?m walking back and forth, back and forth. Doing this, doing that, pick this up, put that down there, I was close to doing the dishes but that went to far :-). I?m amazed by my own changing temper and state of mind. Sometimes it?s different every other minute, hour or day. Is this normal, do other people suffer the same feelings. Or is it just me again. I always want to analyze everything. Knowing why, how, when and by who. Maybe that?s why I?m always restless. Still not knowing, not getting it and not understanding it. Why you? Why all those people. If I just could have a sing then I would probably feel better. I just have to know. I know it?s a matter of time, but for how long?

It?s easing off, it always does.
But it always returns
It will return

I miss you so very much??

In the night

(Note: a part of the original is in rhyme and translated literally in to English, some of the essence of the rhyme may be lost in the translation.)

Sometimes people are standing next to you,
Or miles from you.
Unexpectedly they are there,
Or at a remote distance
Who is your buddy, who?s not there,
Who is standing there, who isn?t.

The youth, the adults
Liberty and hierarchy.
You?re in control,
You let it slide?.

Who do you trust, who don?t you trust
Joy and sorrow
Knowledge and ignorance
Bounded or free.

Where do you come from?.
Where did you go.
Everything is easy overseen
But also exhausting.
Where have you been, what did you see
Is it a blessing or a disappointment.
Did you found the strength or the rain.

Is it day or is it night
In either way it?s out of your control
You can?t turn your faith
You have to accept it
Sometimes with a smile, sometimes with a tear
But never forget ?
This is where I came from.

Look at who you are,
And think about what you want
Add it all up
Divide it in half
Take your past in this with you
Because here lies your knowledge
Here lies your power
Live for what you want?.
And not for what you expect.

Dear Marcel,

Why does a day only have 24 hours while I have so much to do? It seems like the days go by faster and faster. A race against the clock from the morning until the evening. A race against the time. Time for you?. time for me?. time for us?.. time for everybody. I remember that there were moments in my life that time slowly crawled forward. What happened to that time? And will it ever be back?

Tho' much is taken, much abides; and tho'
We are not now that strength which in old days moved earth and heaven, that which we are, we are; One equal temper of heroic hearts, made weak by time and fate, but strong in will to strive, to seek, to find, and not to yield.
(Alfred, Lord Tennyson 1809-1892 taken from ?Ulysses?)

Your life and mine were never so interweaved like now although we are so far apart. I never found physical distance a problem as long your mentally connected. Distance now has a new meaning to me. Not only towards you but also towards your family and other people who are close to me and to those where I just can?t pop in and have a quick visit. A cup of tea, a hug, a smile and a tear. Being angry together, fighting together and relaxing together. Put it all in context and go on. Nowadays we have so many means of communication but it will never replace physical contact, warmth and intimacy.
Aspects we are all looking for, we all have but sometimes forget. Lack of time, haste, sorrow, obstinate, anger and disinterest are all elements of human nature, which are almost as dangerous as weapons. It?s nobody?s fault but everybody is guilty. How to solve this? No idea. Maybe by falling down and standing up. Maybe we?ll never learn. But when we accept this, laugh about it sometimes and learn from it, (however history tells us that we don?t) and try it in a different way. Thanks to the feedback of our friends, maybe we will succeed.

Why do I tell you this? I just needed to hear these words myself. I just need that sometimes. I know, despite the hour, I can pick up the phone and call somebody, but I also know they?ll probably tell me the same. So now that the world is at rest (at least in this little part of the world) I want it to stay that way. And tomorrow ? another new day.
A sunny day, so I?m told. A time I can really enjoy it. I heard that Nic also had plans in that direction, I hope it does here just as much good as it does me. I hope you two can still recognize these little things, they are so precious. Strange that in our life?s, full of prosperity, these are one of the most important things.

Sleep tied darling, kiss from your girl.

Hi hansom,

If God had a name
What would it be
And would you call it to his face
If you were faced within
In al his glory.
What would you ask
if you had just one question

Yeah yeah, God is great.
Yeah yeah, God is good
yeah

Refrain:
What if God was one of us?
Just a snob like one of us.
Just a stranger, on the bus.
Trying to make his way home.

If God had a face
What would it look like?
And would you wanna see.
If seeing ment that you
would have to believe.
In things like heaven
And in Jesus and the saints.
And all the prophets

And yeah, yeah God is great
Yeah, yeah God is good
Yeah

Refrain
Just trying to make his way home.
Back up to heaven all alone.
Nobody calling on the phone.
except for the pope maybe in Rome.

This is a song from my brother and me,
Kisses Joys

Hi Honey,

Yesterday we celebrated my little brother?s birthday. He?s 16 now. Remember 16? Everything is possible (in a positive sense), the world lies at your feet. I?m happy that I didn?t knew then what I know now. We had a great birthday party, that?s why I didn?t write you yesterday. Your 16th birthday should be one to never forget. I hope he will never forget it and had great time like the rest of us. Today reminds me of a very heavy party :-). I?m getting old baby :-).

I also had ?N? on the line for quite a long time (check the guest book.). O man she?s a tough lady. It did me well to chat with her. It gives me the feeling that I?ve known her for years. But besides the fact that we don?t know each other for so long we are really on the same level. Sometimes we only need half a word to understand each other, sometimes we want to ask and tell a thousand different things. An unusual experience.
I also had quite a long chat with ?L? (check the guest book.). That people still take the effort to help each other with such devoted energy. It almost looks like a gift for the faith that I have in people and the world. It?s the feeling of ??you see, I knew it?. I also arranged to meet with here as soon she?s back. I can hardly wait to meet these two extraordinary ladies. I know they don?t think they are special and that they are just doing the things they have to do, like us.
Very emotional though, to have two of these conversations in one day, but from the other side I can get a lot of energy from it.
But considering the fact that I have a very busy day tomorrow I?m deciding to go to bed, and with a little luck I?m actually going to sleep.

Kiss Joy?s

Hey babe,

Diary, diary on my PC, which story will I bring Wednesday with me? Well honey I?m afraid I have to deal with it, I have to re-read my diary. But it?s not for fun. It?s for a television broadcast next Wednesday at Omroep Zeeland (note: local news station at the province of Jacco and Marcel). ?Joy?s performs from her own work? :-)(Can you feel the sarcasm in that?). Actually I don?t want to go back to the emotions and the confusion I felt at the beginning. Its not that I don?t have emotions at the moment or that everything fell in place, on the contrary. But I must admit I?m a little bit afraid for what I?m about to read. That whole period is a big BLUR (as far as blur is a word, at least not in dutch considering MS word spellchecker) maybe I deliberately blocked it. I don?t even know how I can make that choice. I can?t even choose between 2 books, I just buy both of them, how can I ever choose anything from this?.. moan. Like there isn?t enough going on in my head already. But anyway who travels to A should probably travel to B. But I can?t concentrate on my diary right now, my thoughts are just wandering around. I?m also very tired and that?s not very stimulating for my concentration. It?s not only the broadcast, but also a lot of different other reasons at the moment. I will tell you about it later?. or not. Actually it has not necessarily got anything to do with you. You know what I mean.

See you tomorrow hunk, XXX Joy?s

Hi sweetheart

As you know i went out with your buddy?s yesterday. As strange as it sounds is was ratter nice to see how every one of us deals with you being missing. They came to pick me up at home witch I didn?t expect because I know how difficult it is for them to be here now you?re not around. Not to mention the cat allergy within this company :-). It was also strange (its the only word that comes up and it is an understatement) to be in the pub where we all spent so much time together.
Maybe now it was extra strange sins ?O? wasn?t around, as I understood he?s on the eastern islands and doing well. Sometimes silence felt, sometimes everyone started to speak together and we wanted to tell each other a hundred different stories. In several momenst... tears in our eyes, followed by laughter. Its all part of it honey and it made me feel good. They are all a peace of you as well as your family, your roommates and your co-workers are a peace of you. If you put all the peaces of that puzzle together you have Marcel. The only and most important peace that?s missing is.... you.

I do notice that the band between me and other people , specially friends and colleagues (as far as possible) grows stronger than it already was. I want to share every moment with everybody and that wile one day only has 24 hours, not enough. I hardly know how to plan and organize it all. I know that at this moment I give a lot of people lack of attention I hope I?m being forgiven.

I also wrote a personal letter to a woman who is in the same kind of situation at this moment. This letter really took a lot of emotional energy, not that I mind doing it, on the contrary, it feels really good having contact with here!
That?s why I want you to read a part of the letter I wrote her?

Sometimes I think of Marcel as a precious peace of jewelry, it sounds hard but that?s what?s keeping me on my feet. I lost something and I really want it back. Maybe when I get it back its damaged and scratched, or its broken or in the worst case (witch at the moment I don?t want to think about) I get it back in pieces.... It?s all irrelevant as long as I know what happened to my precious jewel. Than I can put it in my jewelry box and treasure it. Sometimes I take my distant just to stay on my feed, sometimes I allow my self to let him in. The grieve cries out in me but if I shut the door I can?t hear it. I hope you understand what I?m trying to say. Maybe our guys are still alive, maybe there death (sorry for my cruelty) but the most important thing is for them to come home. Whatever the cost!!! Because they are our guys, our pals and we will cross every bridge for them. I couldn?t live with myself if I wasn?t convinced that I did everything possible to get him back.
I know that eventually we get to the point where we did try everything possible, but I will have the feeling that it wasn?t enough. It will never be enough. But I know that at that moment Marcel will appear to me to tell me its OK. That I can rest now and go on with my life. Believe in the connection between you and Charlie. He will tell you. I know this all doesn?t sound rational but love and hope just aren?t rational feelings.

Kiss, Joy?s

Hi honey,

I went out tonight with your buddy?s. Although I really had a great evening and I want to tell you a hundred different stories? I have to let it cool. I?ll catch up with you tomorrow. Just wanted to let you know they are doing all right. At least considering the situation. One thing is for sure, we all miss you a lot. And the evening was worth being repeated like that again.

Major kiss.. Joy?s

Hi dear darling,

Sorry that I didn?t chat with you yesterday, I just had the desire to have a website free day. Sometimes I just need that to hang on, unfortunately it?s not something that I can plan and let you know in advance. An evening like that just happens. I really worked hard this week and I was about to go home when a couple of my buddy?s entered the pub. Well then it became fun and that was just what I needed. An old fashion, beer-drinking evening with my buddy?s. I really enjoyed myself. An evening that you would really enjoy as well, a kind of which you would put your thumps up, one you would say, ?look at that piece?that?s my gall?.
That?s why I actually didn?t want to go out this evening, just wanted to hang out on the couch. But I just had to pick up some stuff that I left at the pub yesterday, and of course I knew my girl was there with her girls. Had a great evening after all.
I can imagine how this must sound to you??my girl is having a bal, while I?m?? But darling, you know me well enough, don?t you? You?re with me every microsecond. I?m talking about you the entire evening. On the edge of boredom :-). I just can?t stop talking about you. There are people that listen and there people that shiver. I?m glad most of the people in my social environment are the ones that listen. They even encourage me. Tell us, tell us. I really enjoy that. Telling, telling, telling, about you, Jacco, us and myself, one on one, in a group, on paper, in the pub or on the phone. Telling, talking and start all over again. About my man, my guy and how it will be when you return. My grief, how I miss you, how we met and which choices we made together in the past. The fairytale in the beginning and the disillusion when you disappeared. The struggle and despair. The love and the grief. I?m even at the stage that I can make jokes about it ?if that jerk didn?t get on that boat??
You know, my love, I like black humor. It sometimes seems strange to other people but it?s who I am. And I know that that?s just what you liked. So why change now? The only thing I still can?t is getting angry with you, because anger is a part of mourning not a part of hope and love. I know there will be a time that I will be angry with you. But not now, not at this moment. I?d rather put that anger in different matters. I?m still able to bent negative energy into positive energy, and how it continues?we?ll see.

Normally I put a text or a song text in my diary but today I wanted to talk with you, and while I was doing that I heard a really cool song that I had to let you hear it as well. That?s why I?m giving you both. Maybe to compensate my absence yesterday. Maybe you?ll find the end a little bit cruel but it?s just a reflection of my guilt. The song is called ?Happy? but I call it ?Are you coming home? that title fits better with the song and my emotions.

Intwine with Happy (Unplugged)
INTWINE - HAPPYUNPLUGGED

Isn't it strange
That the stars don't shine no more now since you're gone
Isn't it strange
That we can't look back and say just what went wrong

Isn't it strange
That you told me one thing suddenly changed your mind
Isn't it strange
That you called me for me turn away and leave me behind

I want to know where we are
Should I pretend and let things be
Yeah, I want to know when what you've done
And how you feel (not in the original text, put this in myself)
Could you come face to face with me

Isn't it strange
That the world seems to turn away when I try to explain
What's so strange
That two can't be as one and yet another same

I wanna know where you are
Should I pretend and let things be
Yeah I wanna know when what you've done
Could you come face to face with me

Cause it feels like I'm drowning
Feels like I'm drowning without you
(how do they come up with these realistic songs) I know the feeling
'Cause I haven?t felt this before
And it feels like I'm dying
Feels like I'm dying now I (don?t) know the truth

I hope you don't feel just like me
I hope you don't feel just like me
I hope you're happy
Don't feel just like me
I hope you don't feel just like me
I hope you're happy

Don't feel just like me
I hope you don't feel just like me
Fuck I hope you feel much worse than me
Maybe not so happy

Not so happy, yeah, not so happy, yeah
Not so happy, welcome to my world

Love Joy?s

Sweethaert

Shakira met het nummer The One

So I find a reason to shave my legs
Each single morning
So I count on someone
Friday nights to take me dancing
And then to church on Sundays
To plant more dreams
And someday think of kids
Or maybe just to save a little money
You're the one I need
The way back home is always long
But if you're close to me
I'm holding on

You're the one I need
My real life has just begun
Cause there's nothing like
Your smile made of sun
In a world full of strangers
You're the one I know

So I learn to cook
And finally lose my kitchen phobia
So I've got the arms to cuddle in
When there's a ghost or a muse
That brings insomnia

To buy more thongs
And write more happy songs
It always takes a little help from someone

You're the one I need
The way back home is always long
But if you're close to me
I'm holding on
You're the one I need
My real life has just begun
Cause there's nothing like
Your smile made of sun

You're the one I need
You're the one I need
With you my real life has just begun
You're the one I need
Nothing like your smile made of sun
Nothing like your love

I?m angree

I can hardly call you sweetheart or honey because I?m throwing around a lot at this moment. Beside the fact that it has been a relatively good day. Woke up, took care of my cats, went back home to our place and fixed up our balcony. Some of the plants didn?t survive the winter or my roommate. But that?s our fault or hers.
You have a feeling for plants or you don?t. We didn?t take some of them inside when it was necessary and I didn?t take them with me when they where vulnerable. I?m upset about the mess what used to be my apartment, the one that I called home. Everybody does things in their own way, some people think I?m messy, so who am I to? Almost every plant died, I took the ones that still lived with me and left the ones who are strong behind. You just can?t be at two places at the same time. You can?t make ?home? out of two places. And that?s my personal frustration. A couple of your plants didn?t make it either honey. Now I want to go to bed, it?s been a busy day dealing with my and your plants in a nice spring sun, I want to go to sleep now.

Kiss Joy?s

Hey guy,

At the moment it?s all so confusing. I only had one career goal for the last couple of years, to become a good and professional social community worker. When I sometimes look at the guest book I must say it seems like I?m getting there. And not only in the guest book, I?m getting the same response in my environment, that?s what?s making it so confusing. I have no clue what I?m doing. Then the thought occurs ? Wow, this is heavy? and then I just want to quit. I?m only halfway through my education, I don?t hold all the knowledge, do I? And what inspires people to get comfort out of my mambo jambo, I?m just doing something.
But on the other side it does have something beautiful. It does work the other way around so why shouldn?t we help and find comfort at each other. And why not in ways of a guest book or a diary? But Me? Just Joy?s? Who really doesn?t have a clue of what she is doing. Tjees, half of the time I?m doing absolutely nothing and I?m writing about just that. Then I feel powerless and the thought occurs ?it just happened to me? I never had the intention to make this my specialty. Prevention projects that?s my specialty, and even that often goes wrong. So why should I do this right? Here are no handles or guidelines that I can hold or follow! In this case it?s all up to me and that?s scary. But than again, it feels good and I?m feeling guilty, because it isn?t normal, is it? It feels good because it seems that I?m giving people comfort while you?

Can you still follow me honey? What I think I want to say is that the role as an Experience Specialist (nice word for it) frightens me. Because who am I, you know? On the other hand it feels nice, it still does and keeps me going. But the thought that I mean something to people, I just can?t get that. That you being missing means so much that is so incredible and big that I can?t understand it. Should I consider this positive or negative? Sometimes I just don?t know. I also know that nobody can help me with that. While I sometimes want to cry out loud; HELP, I just don?t know it eather.
You would have known, you always had incredible tips and advises. You would have handled this so much better than I do. Oh babe I miss our midnight talks so much. Sometimes it?s so hard that something I started for myself and by myself became so big for others. Now that I reading back on this it seems that I?m desperately in search for some form of conformation. I probably do. But how can you give it to me now that you not around. Maybe I should talk to a real counsellor, because I think that I really can?t oversee the consequentions.

It probably all comes to mind now because I?ve been asked for a live broadcast at Omroep Zeeland This is something different than an interview here or there. It really chokes me. And I?ve asked myself a hundred times? Why should I? What?s to gain? Why not, I?ve got nothing to loose and maybe something comes out of it. Anyway I?m going to give it all some thought and make some phone calls here and there. More people do know more than just one, at least more than I do.

Big kiss, Joy?s

Sorry, I don?t have an emoticon for confused :-)

Dear Marcel,

Where should I start, again I have a lot to tell. First I went to our little restaurant last Friday with a girlfriend. A small Thai restaurant where we like to come. Not only because of the food but also the ambiance and the service. At the beginning they asked nothing, but when we where about to leave they asked for you of course. ?D? saw us on television, it was as hard for him to ask about it as it was for me to tell. Not really a great opening line ?Hi how are you? Well my boyfriend?.? That doesn?t work. To tell people what is going on with you, why you are not with me. It was a relieve that he knew about you being missing, it talks a lot easier. Looking back I?m extra glad that I did went. He goes to Thailand to live and work there. I would have felt bad if I hadn?t seen him again. In that matter the timing was perfect. A friend of his is going to take over the business, I met him Friday, I enjoyed that, that makes the step to still come there a lot easier. It stills stays a little bit ?our own?:-), after all besides the food we also come there for the service.
Later that evening I went over to 013, that also was for the first time after you left. Bounced in to ?M? there. We already saw each other with carnaval, I?d promised to call him but it is still difficult. By bouncing in to him it was easier to say that to him face to face. Now I?m going to give him a call for sure.
Looking back it made me realise that it was easier to spread this kind of things over a period of time. Although it was an OK evening it was all little bit too much. Had a real big dip later on that evening. Stopt by your colleague later on (the sweetheart) and borrowed his shoulder to cry on. It was probably for the best that we made that combination, otherwise I could have stranded in a dip for next 2 weeks. Now I at least give myself the space to take it easy next weekend or take on a different kind of problem. I had an appointment to chat with ?E? last Saturday but I was really to tired, maybe we meet each other next week, he is going to call me this week to reschedule. That?s why I went, with my girl, to her moms house for coffee last Saturday. Later that evening I did absolutely nothing? well, I did try to watch a movie, made it halve way true I think:-), fell asleep on the couch like a baby :-). I suppose they could hear me snore all the way at the Philippines. Just recharging, since I only slept for about 4 hours a night during the week, I really needed that.

Forgot all about the alarm clock so I arrived later in Wemeldinge than expected. But your mom?s got me figured out by now. She wasn?t surprised :-). I?m really bad at such things hahaha. We had a nice talk, all the rest were there to. Really nice out in the sun. Your mom had a couple of nice jars with plants in them. Our balcony looks a lot nicer now, of course it still has to be cleaned up but I want to wait for the spring rain.
Your mother also placed some plants at Jacco?s home, now at least looks like there is someone living there. Zorro didn?t like the fact that I gave the balcony my first attention instead of giving her, our queen, her food. She also doesn?t like the fact that I?m away all the time and she lets me know that in her very special cat like manner.

It was very quite last Saturday in the guest book, not like that?s strange of course. So many people already gave their reaction, they probably don?t know what to say anymore, no different then we don?t know how to react anymore at the questions ?is there any news? and ?how are you feeling?. I don?t want to tell them a thousand times that I?m holding on, it feels strange when you say that you?re actually doing all right. Where lies the balance between to much talking about it and enough? It?s also difficult to judge people of their expectation towards you. Although it?s not necessary, you still want to make it as easy as possible for you environment. The same as we think we have some rights to talk about you being missing when we feel like it, or just don?t want to talk about it, it goes both ways.
Some people can handle it easy, others feel uncomfortable if you start talking about it again. Sometimes I feel uncomfortable when someone brings it up, you can?t pinpoint the situation. When do we think we are doing the best thing and when does the other? At the end we must draw our own line but I notice that is best accomplished ?by ourselves?. Sometimes I just don?t know which face to put on. It?s either a big brick wall of moaning faces or an information eating person at which you can literally say anything. (this is exaggerated of course but sometimes that makes the point). I discovered that I am probing the persons most of the times and I?m getting the hang of it :-). It?s all about the balance.

Another guy escaped, he was being kidnapped for a long time (since the 17th of June I believe) in the Philippines. That gives hope, but it?s also difficult because we?re getting so little information. I want to know immediately if he saw you and Jacco but we have to trust the fact that the authorities would have told us if there is any more information.

Big kiss, Joy?s

Dear Marcel,

Well, that?s behind us, I had the feeling that I had to take a school exam for which I didn?t study enough. Nonsense of course but it gives you an idea of what is going on in my head. Bought a new sweater yesterday in a quick rush because I felt like I didn?t have anything to wear. Strange what uncertainty can do to a person.
Worked as long as I could today, (perfect medicine against the nerves by the way). Because we didn?t have any traffic jam we arrived too early at our destination. Now I had the advantage of catching up with Peter (talk show host) and the opportunity to select some pieces of my diary together. I think Jos was as nervous as I was :-). But I was so glad that I didn?t have to do this alone and so was he. Personally I think we made a perfect team and we really held on, even while my hands were sweating and that wasn?t because of the temperature in the studio.
And then there was the discharge, mostly because you?re mom and my mom were there waiting for us. (They saw the live broadcast from the studio lobby). At that moment it all became a little bit too much. But that?s ok I think. I never had any problem with crying in public places :-) I don?t think anyone bordered. I?m very tired now, probably the tension coming out. That?s why I?m not that talkative.

Big kiss, Joy?s

Hey hunk

I had the good intension to hit the sack real early this evening :-). (Have to laugh about it myself.) But of course, after dinner with a former colleague, I sat down behind my computer. I had the intension to prepare for the interview for tomorrow. Well? that didn?t work. In fact spend the entire evening e-mailing with everyone back and forth, that?s why I have to make this quick entrance in my diary. Maybe it?s for the best, I didn?t have any time to be nervous for tomorrow. I?m to fucked up and angry for that. I know those feelings are bad advisors, but I also know from experience that this has, sometimes, a positive reflection on my creativity. I even took a hot shower to cool down, isn?t that?s a contradiction :-).
Why is your gall angry? Well I?ll tell you darling. The more I find out about missing persons the more I see the same complaints and frustrations. Mostly the way about how organizations approach the relatives and the speed in which they coordinate their search. (This is really out of boundaries.) At first I thought it was me. That I didn?t understand the goals, that I, as a social worker, had too many expectations. Well I changed my opinion. I?ve had it with politics, all that bla bla. And I noticed that I?m not alone. It?s always the fault of the one that?s missing. Is that why they don?t have any responsibility left towards that person? I suppose they still do but I don?t detect it anymore (and I mean that with sarcasm).
Does the person who works on an ambulance say to his traffic victim ?but Sir accidents do not happen here? (read: nobody disappears here.) Does a cop say to a little girl who is a victim of sexual harassment ? You should have worn other clothes? (read: they should not done that). No, they would have tried to help the victims and do everything possible for those left behind. Tomorrow I probably think? eek, I shouldn?t have written that in a burst of anger. Well I had to. I think I?ve been so god damn polite and civilized until now (my sincere apologies for that). Maybe I don?t have an open mind when I?m angry, but I know this? anger is a very human emotion (not always justly but human) and if they can?t handle it it?s their problem, at least it?s of my chest.
As soon as I can speak to them about there responsibilities and their values then they can speak to me about mine.

Hi my love,

Fell asleep yesterday on the sofa. Yep, well figure skating was on so it happens. Of course I forgot the change the clock forwards with one hour (note: European summertime). I?m of to drink a cup of tea with your mom. I?ll speak to you later on this evening.

Big kiss, Joy?s

Hi honey,

I really had the shivers today.
I really did, it felt like I was nailed to the ground. Why did I go through with it? This is not me! Anyway, the day started OK. I woke up at 6:30 am to make a wake-up call to make sure my girl was up for here work, and my girl was so clever to call me around ten with the idea ?lets wake up Joy?s?. As it were a miracle we were in the car around eleven towards Amsterdam. And personally I find that quite an achievement :-)

. So we arrived perfectly on schedule at girl number 2. (for the first time we drove OK because my gall shouted out: TURN RIGHT !!!). Really my love, you know me, I?ve never been this punctual. Then the nightmare started (as a matter of speaking that is). Not the right clothing. Well actually that?s not true, as a matter of fact my clothes were perfect. But since a few weeks they are working with colour themes that are sponsort by different brands. So I took of my clothes and picked something different. Not my taste (at least not at the first impression) but I learned not to judge something on its colour when it?s just hanging there. After a while I was satisfied with it. Wouldn?t be surprised if there?s even a new ?Joy?s look? in it :-). Then the real principles began, ?please take off your earrings? EXCUSE ME? I?ve been wearing those since I was sixteen; I?m not taking them off! A lot of comments there (from my side). This was exactly what I was afraid of ?if you want to write a personal story, don?t take out the individual? etc, etc, Yeah honey, your baby was at her best. It became kind of childish, lets not beat around the bush??. it?s just how I am (unfortunately).
After some negotiation (earrings on, the belt off etc, etc) they made an excellent remark, ?do you know what I think would be nice?? ?Barefooted? That was a shot in the bull! We razed the white flag and all was well!

Step two, the make-up.
The make-up lady now had an advantage. She was clever enough to ask, ?What kind of make-up do you usually were?? Uhhh none!!! ?Ok I?ll give you a natural look, but I am going to bring up your eyes?, ?They are so beautiful I just have to give it special attention?.
Well, I happen to be very proud about my eyes (Blush, blush), and proud enough not to admit that :-). Again she hit the target. I must admit I was afraid. But really, the result? stunning! It?s not proper to say such a thing about oneself but I really thought I looked like a hot babe. Never knew that (stupid principals) make-up could do so much with a person.

Naturally the first moments they took the pictures where very uncomfortable. I was so nervous that I couldn?t stop laughing. I had the firm meaning; it?s a serious article so don?t laugh! It felt like I was 12 and the school photographer took my first picture. I don?t have any clue of what the man did to me but after a few minutes I had the idea that I never did anything else and had been doing this all my life. It felt so good. I felt so beautiful and mostly I really enjoyed myself. Of course with a mix of emotions. Because the reason why I was here can?t be erased or disappear from my mind. We also had the opportunity to take a picture of the three of us. It?s a beautiful memory. And if the Margriet (note: Dutch magazine) comes out (scheduled for the summer) they will send me the rest of the pictures. Really baby ?it?s been a long time since I felt that good.
I always laughed at people who had a complete makeover after having a dip. Now I realise that I feel ashamed. I get it now. The feeling, the idea behind it. It doesn?t take away your grief and it doesn?t take away the problems. But you feel better I the end, I can hardly explain. I entered there with a very hostile attitude, the first remark I made, as I remember, was ?you do have make-up cleaner don?t you?. And when I left I asked them ?can I please keep it on??
The rest of the day went OK as well. Had a cup of tea, a beer and a nice chat. We went over to ?B?s?place for a nice dinner and some more chatting, totally relaxed. It wasn?t really a surprise because I was in such an excellent company that it couldn?t be any other way. Even my blues were good today, and that means a lot these days. After that, we made a visit to (what I call friends nowadays) Soest (note: a city in Utrecht) we went home. On the way home my girl and me had some lovely periods with silence and some sing-alongs with golden oldies. Because not only the sun but also the music can have a healing effect. It is a blessing anyway to sit in a car with a person where you don?t have to speak to when you don?t feel like it. (that?s why I love it when we?re sitting in your car together.) Not that we didn?t speak for an hour, which would be impossible for us. But it was the atmosphere, the togetherness, the one-liners and our philosophy and that?s why also the silence was perfect? no, let me rephrase? excellent.
As a matter of fact this was my first OK day since the 18e of December who was sincere, really sincere. Honey, the whole day was devoted to you, but sins a long time also devoted to myself. And that?s a great feeling. It gave me energy and power. And that was exactly what was missing.

Kiss (and all the other things that I?m not going to write down) Joy?s

Hey stud,

I?m keeping it short, because I have to be fresh and full of energy tomorrow. I?ve got a photo shoot for the Margriet (note: Dutch magazine). Of course now I?m making a lot of fuss of those things that I?m normally and toughly take for granted. My body, my face, which clothes to wear (quickly did all the laundry because I definitely want to wear those specific trousers) and how in gods name are they going to fix the skin underneath my eyes. (from this end I want to wish the make-up lady good luck).
I?m even considering shaving my legs. Not that anyone is going to notice it underneath my jeans. Well, it?s the thought that if you feel confidant you probably carry it out as well. Hahahaha, got to laugh about myself. Will it still be me, the one on the pictures? (I?m politely going to ask if I can have a copy of the photo). Every body has got his fifteen minutes of fame they say :-). If I would look at a photo of you taken right now, would I still recognize you? How is the your skin underneath your eyes, how many weight did you lose? <>. Don?t think about it now Joy?s otherwise you won?t be able to get some sleep tonight.
What it all makes well is the fact that one of my girls is going with me and an other one is going to take me there. I hope the weather tomorrow will be as good as it was today. I noticed that it did well for me this last week. Sometimes a little sunlight is the best medicine. And of course I?m going to meet your buddy again tomorrow. Had a long day today to compensate the day-off tomorrow, so will next Friday be. It?s for the best that in our work the days fly by.

What I forgot to tell you yesterday is that ?E? called. It was nice because I haven?t spoken to him since he went on vacation. We are going to continue our little chat next Saturday; he just bought a new home. I?m very curious about it.

I?m really going to sleep now, otherwise I can forget about tomorrow.

Say cheese, kiss Joy?s

Darling,

I want to be honest, I?m sometimes tired of? how should I call it; ?Seeking tiredness?. I can?t think of any other way to put it. It?s not that I don?t believe in it anymore, but what I do believe is that we are going to reach point where we did about everything possible. I think that I?m secretly trying to protect myself against that moment. I told the same thing today to the rest of the ?search team?, they won?t be happy with my mail but I had to say it and its not enough to only tell you about it.

Today or tomorrow we going to reach the point that we can only wait. It?s a terrible prospect. I think I?m going to need a lot of energy to hold on like this. That?s why I?m not going to put my energy right now in another interview or publication. Maybe this is a normal behaviour, maybe it?s not. Is it fair towards you two? I don?t know. The only thing I know is that I?m tired. If other people still have the energy, fine, please do. And of course within my possibilities I will give them every support. But that?s all I can do at the moment. Actually I reached this stage at the moment since we raised the reward on the flyers we?ve reached out. I thought to myself? this is it, we?ve done it all. Of course we can give another interview or do this or maybe that. But more and more we?ll get NO for an answer, and it?s easier for me to sit around and wait (how bad it may sound) then handle 10 times NO for an answer. Leave me sitting here, in my own world with my own thoughts. We?ve already heard from the newspapers that you are no longer news. In my opinion the authorities never even saw you a priority. And in a while we will become nothing anymore, not even a background story or a fill-up for an empty page. That?s how it goes, the news of today will end up in the cats litter box tomorrow. Do I have less believe or hope because of that, does it take away my grief or would I therefore neglect my website??? NO !!! Do I suffer from ?Seeking tiredness??? YES.

Is everybody that matters in Holland aware of you being missing?. I think so. Is everybody in the Philippines whose ?important? aware of you being missing?? I think so as well. Are there still things to do on Malaysia? YES!! There are definitely opportunities.

The only ones that gives me the energy to tell the story again are our kids honey (note: kids in a professional way) They give my honest and innocent questions. As a matter of fact, they ask the questions that the adult people don?t dare to ask. (?Hey Joy?s, do you hate Muslims now?? really, they do? its so adorable, it gives me a very specific feeling. ?Of course not, you bunch of??) With kids you can never be TO sorrow or TO angry, on the contrary. It is sometimes nice to use words like @#$%, or to say ?Ya, its really fu@#$%. But the open and truthful appreciation of the adults is remarkable as well of course. It?s only? different. I?m glad that not all adults are like that. I think that this Internet site and a lot of people in my surroundings are excellent proof of that. Obviously I?m also feeling guilty because of my ?Seeking tiredness?, after all I would never forgive you if you would give up fighting. So who am I to quit searching? I don?t think that I will ever give you up, I only think I?m rerouting my priorities and putting them in other things that are important to me now.
Although I would be damn happy if I only knew what is important to me right now. A piece here and surely not there, but Malaysia is. Keeping the authority?s awake absolutely. End finally? keeping my head up. Not in the first place for myself, but mainly for the fact that I promised you that I will be there for you when you return.

I love you baby, don?t you forget it!!!! Kiss Joy?s

P.S.: This was really a relief !!!
But don?t have any clue witch emoticon fits witch this story. Maybe I have to put two at the bottom, one for anger and one for if I just don?t know anymore (confused) :-).

Sweet Marcel,

Each year there are about 16.000 people reported missing in the Netherlands. After 48 hours 80% of them are found. There are 700 people constantly reported missing. Twenty of them are never found. It just can?t be that you two are one of those 20 people. I wonder if this includes those the foreign country missing, and how about those percentages? I think if we did know how many people are really missing on a yearly basis we?d really be stunt. In Columbia alone there are 8 disappearings reported each day.
These are the things I think about in the quiet moments. Do I have them? Ya, sometimes, mostly at night or like today in a free hour at school. I was sitting down outside in the sun, I did me well. I bought some copies of the Revue (note: national magazine) for my teachers. Lost in paradise? Is the headline of the article. I must say the headline really hits the spot. Especially since the Philippines are considered one of the last pieces of paradise on earth if you read the traveling brochures.
Kind of sad if you considering that there is a war going on. I heard a very disturbing story from a classmate, a client of here is a Philippine woman and she was about to go on holiday to visit her mother and some relatives. Her mother called her and begged her to please stay in the Netherlands because there was too much trouble going on. If ones mother says that to her own daughter that she didn?t see for many years (and the family ties are very close there) then I know it?s very serious.
Unfortunately I don?t know which area this concerns and the school bell was ringing so I didn?t had the opportunity to ask more questions but I am going to do that for sure honey. Who knows what we can learn about it. It?s nice to see that everybody contributes his or her information. Maybe information isn?t the right word but you know what I mean don?t you?

Sometimes I feel so useless, I?ve got the idea that everybody is working at so many different things and that I?m just hitching the ride along. Of course 10 people can?t send e-mail to BuZa at the same time. At this moment I can just read everybody?s mail and tell them how well they are doing, and even that is hard some times because I just don?t know what to say.
When I?m sitting here alone, in front of computer, at night with the cat under my chair and a cup of tea I?m doing ok I suppose. But when the morning strikes that seems to disappear. When one of my teachers asked me today how I was doing I almost bursted into tears. Strange how some people can get to you so intense. Not that other people can?t get to me but it seems that it is easier towards them to act tough. I can never act tough with you either, but your shoulder isn?t here now to cry on, as my shoulder isn?t there for you now.

Only in thoughts and in daydreams.

Kiss, Joys

Hi Love,

I gonna start to feel the tiredness now, a fulltime job (not that I?m complaining because you know I have great job), getting home, have a quick bite, working on the internet site and reading and applying mail. And now that my ?real? housemate is on vacation I also have to stop by the apartment to take care of Steef?s and my cats (Salsa, Blitz, Bami, Jopie en Pluk). And then there is still Zorro complaining J because Madame didn?t got her food on time.
I?m glad she does that with a lot of charm, given the fact that she can?t make any sound, I immediately forgive her. Especially since she caught a mouse yesterday. A MOUSE ?, yes honey a little mouse. A real cute, tiny little mouse. I really felt sorry for the mouse (probably because I had a mouse named Doris when I was little). I could only do one thing? I had to set the little animal free. I know, we also have two other cats creeping around outside but at least the little fellow now had a chance, lets put our minds on that.

I had a nice chat with Ineke this evening. Of course we first talked about the next steps we are going to take to get you guys back, I?m going to let you now about that in a few days in the update. But we also talked about ordinary things. Just a nice rattle. It?s always nice to speak to my girl. Why do they live all the way up in Amsterdam? I think she was getting a little bit crazy from me, that?s because I was doing a hundred different things while we where talking. I think she hates that way the same way you do :-). You don?t want to talk to me either when I?m doing other things in-between; I get on your nerves hahahahah. Usually you forget what you were trying to say and are very concentrated not get focused on my typing sounds or any other noise I?m making. For now I am going to focus on getting some sleep, and I don?t think that?s going to be hard. I hope it won?t be difficult for you two.

Joy?s and Zorro the Mice Queen.

Dear Marcel,

How many strange things can happen in one week? On Tuesday it was Jacco?s birthday, on Wednesday my brother?s birthday and in the meantime a war started. I suppose that was the most difficult one to understand, the world keeps turning around when sometimes it seems its standing still. This is one of those weeks I just don?t get it anymore. And in that kind of situation my keyboard at work is not happy with me :-). But at least it?s increasing my productivity :-).
It feels kind of to good to let myself go.
As you know I work with al lot of kids from Iraq. They all have a lot of relatives there, uncles, aunts and grandparents. Although I can?t place myself in their insecurity and they can?t place their self?s in mine, it does create a bond. And in the meantime they just go on, like me. We laugh and talk while during a girl?s activity, we are letting ourselves be painted with Henna. And then, as if thunder has struck, it?s silent and we all crawl back into our own little world with our own thoughts. And as fast as it came it passes by and we continue our conversation.
We don?t have to explain each other anything, I know where they are with their thoughts and they know where mine are. Very strange, the silence right now. We were so busy making the flyers (mostly the others, I couldn?t do very much.) a lot of e-mail traffic although some reactions have come in it?s still very quite. It?s also strange that our Internet site is again reaching its stable resting point.
Now let us find out if I can find the rest that I had a few weeks ago.

Kiss, Joy?s

One for my Girls

Lauper Cindy with the song True Colours

You with the sad eyes
Don't be discouraged
Oh I realize
It's hard to take courage
In a world full of people
You can lose sight of it all
And the darkness inside you
Can make you feel so small

But I see your true colours
Shining through
I see your true colours
And that's why I love you
So don't be afraid to let them show
Your true colours
True colours are beautiful,
Like a rainbow

Show me a smile then,
Don't be unhappy, can't remember
When I last saw you laughing
If this world makes you crazy
And you've taken all you can bear
You call me up
Because you know I'll be there

And I'll see your true colours
Shining through
I see your true colours
And that's why I love you
So don't be afraid to let them show
Your true colours
True colours are beautiful,
Like a rainbow

Hey fellow,

I came to the conclusion that I didn?t only lose you but also a little bit of myself. Sometimes I look in the mirror and don?t recognize myself anymore. Or maybe I do, I see myself who I was a couple of years ago and I don?t like it. It feels like I?m back at the point where I started a few years ago. I neglect myself and my social life by spending too much time in the pub. It?s been enough, I want to go back to the person I was just before you went on holiday. But it?s so much easier to go to the pub than to call someone to have a cup of coffee. In the pub you can put on the mask that you can?t wear among friends. I don?t think its environment related. Although some people feel different about that and suggest that I should go back to my own apartment. Why should I, if I?m not happy in one place why will I be happy in the other, happiness is inside you isn?t it? But how am I going to do that honey? The search for myself seems as hard as it is to search for you.
If we only knew something, that would be the most important thing.
People also advise me to talk to other people who are left behind, ?but why should I?? is my reaction. Don?t I have enough people who are left behind in my own environment? And how can I do that when we are in middle of our quest of searching you, isn?t that the same as giving up? It would be the same for me. It?s very sweet that everybody is trying to think with me and giving me comfort and support while I?m living in a selfish world only thinking about myself. Or maybe I don?t think about myself enough? I have to do what?s best for me, but what is that??

How do you breakdown a negative pattern? At least not by letting your head down or drinking a lot. Been there, done that, didn?t like it so now what ... I gave that same answer once when someone asked me for my slogan of life, its time I?m gonna live up to that! You wouldn?t want it any other way, although you know so well how difficult it is. You?ve been there as well? different time, different life. Tomorrow is going the be the first day of the rest of my life? That?s also a beautiful expression. It doesn?t mean I?m going to quit on you honey. But I am going to put it in a different perspective. At least I?m going to try very hard. You were the one who said that it didn?t matter if you felt down aslong as you can get back up. I?ve done that before in that other life of mine so why can?t I do it again? ?moan? ? Like I said, been there? done that.

Kiss Joy?s

Dear Marcel,

I?m so tired, tired of nothing, tired because I?m empty. I want to scream and cry but nothing?s coming. I can?t break trough my own wall. I feel like I?m a ticking bomb, but I can?t get passed the first emotions. I would really like to cry like there?s no end, because I need to. There?s a wall surrounding my heart and my sorrow I can?t break through. And I really want to. Maybe then I can dream again. Dream of my guy. It seems like my body is waiting for something, but why and what?
So many people, so much sorrow. And I get the feeling I?m watching from a distance like watching a movie and I can?t/aren?t allowed to join in. I getting tired of it, really tired. Walking on my reserves. Hopefully the tears will come when Bart and Ineke return. Maybe that is my starting-signal. But I don?t want it. Them leaving a twenty-four hour flight to find a hysterical Joy?s. No thank you. Crying is allowed, it?s even good. But no one is helped with me crying like there?s no ending on an airport. I?m just tired babe. We are tired. But we?ll keep on fighting, we?ll continue. Until you are lying in my arms. Because I?m still believing this. This doesn?t mean it doesn?t hurt. The waiting, and all those questions in my head. Everyday the same questions.

I will keep it short babe. It?s passed four and I want to feel a bit like a human tomorrow. It?ll be a long day. And after tomorrow we will wait and see.
Kiss Joy?s

Dear Marcel,

I get so many questions why I got those vaccinations. I got them for you off course. If they find you, I can?t visit you because I?m missing some lousy shots. I think I?d thrash the place. And if they don?t find you (which I?m not even considering). Then someday I?d like to visit the place you went missing. I don?t think I could continue if I didn?t process things for myself. But we won?t think about that just yet. I just wanted to let you know I?m ready in case you turn up.
Really had bad muscular pains from those shots, they are really mean. I can hardly light a cigarette, let alone do the dirty dishes what has really turned into a big pile :-(. You like that babe, Joy?s with aching muscles so she can?t smoke. Wipe that grins off your face because the muscle aches have gone and I?m smoking happily again, only the dirty dishes to overcome. Sure I know smoking is bad for you, you tell me often enough. But then you should?ve returned from your holiday. I will try again some other time. Your mum really enjoyed the fact that I could hardly smoke, now I know where you get this.

Furthermore I?m very weary today. Not sad or lonely, but weary. I don?t know how to describe it better. I think everybody feels that way sometimes. Maybe you could call it dull. Nothing can fascinate me, not even music. Really a day to stay in bed. But I?ve done that so much lately, that this wasn?t really an option. Even staying in bed wasn?t attractive, even though this is one of my biggest hobbies, as you know. Usually you?re already up for an hour or three before I get up. Now even more so with the stupid time difference. When do you get up? When do you go to sleep? Can you sleep?

Luckily I?m going to Wemeldinge tomorrow, this usually gives me energy. This weekend I was feeling a bit sick and so I didn?t go. I shouldn?t have done that. Skip a week. This will be punished immediately. I promised Rien to bring a gift. Andre and Nettie have mailed a photo, that child is really adorable. So tomorrow I will get up early. Actually I wanted to go today, but when you?re feeling this weary even visiting the city for shopping is too much excitement. Speaking about shopping. I really spend a gruesome amount of money yesterday. Normally I don?t like shopping. But this isn?t a normal situation. And being a woman? Three new vests (on sale off course) and some other things. I?m sure you?ll like them. Real Joy?s vests. Shop till we drop, that?s my motto. Okay maybe I should?ve done the dirty dishes instead. Also bought some other things. Did you really take everything with you on holiday? Band-aids, nail clippers etc. etc. Just didn?t buy anything. Your nail clipper was blunt anyway, we needed a new one anyway.

It?s getting late, I think I?ll do those dirty dishes now. Or else I will have to do them tomorrow and I?ll probebly feel up to it just as much as i do now. Kiss Joy?s.

Sweetheart

I?ve been caught. There was a message from Bart in the guest book and he?s figured me out. I?m not strong at all. I can?t even call B & I, cause then I?ll really lose it. It?s one of those nights. First I visited my friend who is watching over her mum, because het mum is deing. Then I visited the pub, this didn?t really cheer me up. Following a very pleasant conversation with one of your roommates. We?ve just solved all missing, and all social and universal problems. Okay, it takes at least a bottle of gin and a bottle of whiskey but then you?re on a move? And I?m not going to wish you a good night, I will do so when you return.

Joy?s.

Dear Marcel

What do you tell to anger,
What do you tell to sorrow,
What do you tell to fear,
What do you tell to hope,
What do you tell to impotence,
What do you tell to love?

With emotions you can?t negotiate,
With emotions you can?t talk,
Emotions aren?t reasonable.

The confusion of love, hope, loss and passion.
Something you want so much,
That you?re whole body cries out
Physically and mentally.
Yet we get something from those same emotions,
It?s our drive and our strength.
It?s stronger than any contract.

What do you say to a child, to a parent, to a loved one?
Open wounds heal.
What do we say to Aids, to Cancer and more diseases,
Welcome into my body.
What do we say to violence and war,
Welcome into my house.

What do we say against emotions,
And how do we deal with it?
What do we see in a mirror?
Do I see you, and do you see me?
I love you, do you love me?

What will I tell you,
And what will you tell me?
Does anything have to be said,
Or shall we suffer in silence.
Is it a conversation of joy or sorrow.
One thing I know for sure, I?ll never forget you!

Goodnight sweetheart

Dear Marcel

I?m so angry, sad and tired. When does it end @#$%^&#? I received e-mail today from one of my best friends, her mum is dying. Again we?re standing here at the side being powerless. I?d like so much to take over a piece of her sorrow like you take a piece of mine. How can this be happening. I just don?t get it!!!
It just isn?t fair. I'm so fed up with it. Nobody ever said life is easy, and it doesn?t have to be. Life forms you and that?s good thing. But can we get a break once in a while. Find our strength again so we can continue. This can?t keep going on? How strong can someone be? How much strength do we have within us to keep on going? Time will tell. But what if time is the one thing we haven?t got. Every day babies get born and people die. That?s life, well life sucks. Wouldn?t it be nice, babe, if we could turn back time and know what we know right now. I?m willing to make some of the stupid mistakes I made before, but one mistake I will never make again. I will never let you go. Drink tea with my grandma, and my friend another hug from her mum. If?.

Before you went on holiday you gave me a John Irving book. I think it?s called ?Widow for a Year?. I?m not sure because it?s lying in my flat. But I?ll check first thing tomorrow, now I just have to know. Joke? Did you know this? Have you sensed it too? Why did you pick this book out of all other books? It?s just a @#$%^&#day. When will the sun shine again? When will this dark thundercloud pass over? I?d really like to know how much time it?ll take, one month, three months, a year? How long? You?d probably want to know as well. Can anyone please tell me how much longer? The number of roads we can walk is getting lesser, but the hope isn?t. It would fit you well to turn up in a couple of months? sorry but I couldn?t help it. I won?t know whether to kiss you silly or to slap you. Probably both :-).

Sleep well babe see you tomorrow, Kiss Joy?s.

Sweet Marcel,

Today I wasn?t present. To you I was, but not to my surroundings. Not because of alcohol this time, I just couldn't handle it. Unrest in my body, unrest in my mind. Curtains closed, under the covers, silence and rest. Escaping for a while, alone for a while.
I didn?t want to talk to anyone, didn?t want to see anyone. I should?ve gone to Wemeldinge, but I couldn?t. My whole body aches, from my neck to my tows, is it your pain? Even a hot shower to loosen my muscles could?nt do the trick. Everybody sensed it perfectly. It seemed like a phone silence had been called for. I?m very lucky to have friends that sense me perfectly. Hopefully I sense them too.

It was strange to see you on TV with your long hair. I?ve seen pictures of it but it was before my time. Do you have long hair now? Your beard a bit reddish like on our holiday, Italy, where we were together? Our first trial. It was exciting to go on holiday with your love for the first time. My most wonderful holiday ever. Wandering about with a tent, who would?ve thought? Cursing together when things went wrong and laugh at our stupidities afterwards. Folks that know me never expected it. Because of you holiday has gotten a new meaning, positive and negative.

December is your month. I hate December, am not enjoyable at all. It seems like a curse rests upon that month. Not for you. Because then you can go away again. Away from the excitement, for just a moment? a moment has passed, a moment has become a long time. Almost an eternity it seems. But when already it appears to be an eternity to us, how should you feel? Do you think we?ve failed you, that we?ve abandoned you? You know better than that, right? We?re walking many roads; we?re not done for long time, we?ve just started; they said on TV. Has it just been a month? Yes, a month has passed, because we?ve just started. Today is the last day of flying. That?s a really strange thought, more than strange. Will they find you? They have to find you!!! But if they don?t find you, when we can?t go on right there, we?ll continue behind the scenes. There are many too options left. Too many things we don?t know. Things we haven?t tried. We won?t stop until we have answers, until you?ve returned.

Zorro was mad at me today. I?d left your photo in the bedroom. She searched for it till she found it. Almost scary, how she first walks to your photo when entering the room and very cattishly reacts when it isn?t at its rightful place. Everyday she keeps amazing me. Maybe it?s just in my head, but cats are very special beings. Tomorrow I will visit my own cats, hug them for a while. I really miss my pets a lot. Luckily I know they are well looked after when the mistress isn?t there for a while. You always think it?s so funny how I call myself the mistress and you the master. How is the emancipation going along you always wanted to know. Well, I don?t really believe in emancipation. On the job and in freedom I do, but on the whole I just want a real tough guy. That?s why want you. Hopefully I won?t kick anyone against the shines with this remark. It?s a just a joke, our joke.

Sigh, I will go to bed again. Bart and Ineke will awake soon (if not awoken already), to go flying again. Strange thing, that time difference.

Kiss Joy?s

To my guy,

Slowly the fog lifts and I return to the world of the living. It was nice being on my own island. An island called booze and dreamless sleep. Every time I regained conscience I saw you. In my clothes, next to me on the bed, in a shadow of the room. You were sitting there quietly watching me. Tailors sit, your one elbow resting on your knee and your one wrist resting on the other. Your posture told me everything is gong to be okay. It may take a while, but it?ll be okay.

Waking was quit difficult (that?s an understatement I guess). Who will bring me my glass of milk now? My magic potion that compels my hangover to the background so I can return from my island to the shore called reality. A reality in which only one feeling stands and that?s you.

I?m glad that I can see your face again. You?ve put down the mask you?ve been wearing the first weeks. You?re stronger aside me as ever before, so strong that I can almost touch you I just don?t know if I?m happy about it.

We?re coming, dear, just hang on for a while longer and then I can really touch you, feel you, taste you. Maybe my patience will be tested for a long time. But you?re getting closer, I can feel it. Why do I keep feeling that you?re trying to reach us but you just can?t succeed? It?s so frustrating it hurts.

Bart and Ineke have had a rough time flying, a lot of turbulence. Luckily Bart?s brothers can relieve them. It?ll be a thrilling couple of days. I ?m nauseated by it, or are these the after-pains of the hangover? But the hangover feels different, this is more like restless. Soon I?ll be visiting your and Jacco?s family again. Shared sorrow one might say. The messages in the guest book are sometimes so strong that the pop off the screen. Their sorrow is tangible. I never knew emotions could be so tangible without personal contact.

I keep getting the idea we?re missing something. That we just don?t see it, something very important. I can?t lay my finger on it. We are doing everything possible? What is it that we?ve overlooked? Are we thinking too hard or just too easy? What is it that we don?t see? I keep puzzling my head off, and I think a lot of other people do too. But still? there?s something. I don?t know.
What do you keep trying to tell us? Maybe I?m just fooling myself. Am I just thinking we?re just not doing enough, not attempting enough? But what else can we do? I just don?t know.

Another night. I don?t want to go to bed just yet, although I?m tired. Another night. It's cold. It?s so cold without you. In the beginning my dreams were comforting. For now I?m tired of them. I no longer can find peace in them. This will return, but I?ve lost it for now. Another night, how many nights before you?re laying next to me again? I should give it another try; maybe I can see it then. What we?re overlooking. What we?re missing.

Kiss Joy?s

Dear Marcel,

Okay, you can tell me off. But I just couldn't hang on. I know that Bart and Ineke are going flying right now so I drank myself tipsy. I?m tired, I?m drunk, but mainly I?m pissed off. It?s a miracle that I could turn my computer on. That?s why I?m going to sleep now and continue tomorrow. So, dear people that are waiting on the diary, it?s a pity. It?s just not happening. I?m through, I?m tired en going to sleep. Tomorrow (just a moment for you) I?ll continue. But not right now!! Dearest, I?m sorry!!! But you know I don?t mean it badly. It?s just too much right now. I love you and you know it. There is only one thing I want and that is to have you back. I want my babe back!!! I don?t want to go on like this. I?m tired, and I?m going to sleep. Sorry dearest. X Joy?s

Hey Babe,

I just wanted to e-mail Bart and Ineke, when I received an e-mail from Ineke. She?s awake I immediately thought. I hurriedly shut down the computer to call her. They?re not going the fly on Friday but on Thursday, that?s just one night away. One night. I probably won?t get any sleep at all now. I?m really wide-awake, though? I will probably crash enormously later, ah well. Back to Ineke. The contract is signed and it?s definite, there?ll be flying. Finally an airplane comes into plan. If they still can?t find you, then there?s just one option left. Just the K word. I heard from other people that they had different ideas when first hearing the K word. Ah well, a dirty mind is a Joy?s forever. But you and I both know what?s being meant with the K word, right. I could also call it the O word, but I kind of like the K. Furthermore we chattered about everything. Off course it always turned out to be referring to you two, but I really wanted to know how they were doing. I noticed the conversation didn?t (like the previous times) have an emotional charge. We were quit cheerfully. Just chattering. I think we both needed it. Just to hear each others voice and chatter. Like only girls, your girls, can chatter. Only with saying goodbye, the lump in my troth reappeared. But I swallowed it bravely. It was a good conversation and I didn?t want to spoil it by sniffling at the end of it. It?s allowed, I know this, but I will do this later on in the shower? Ineke decided to already develop your photographs. We are very curious what?s on them. We think it?s better to do it there. If they have any questions about the photo?s, they can ask them right there. It?s a bit more difficult from here. What are doing to us chap. Bart and Ineke are having a hard time. What isn't strange off course. But they?re carrying through. They?re such bouncers. I?m so lucky to know them. Not only because they?re searching for you. Just because they?re two great human beings. Thank you babe. Just one more night. And if necessary one more. And what if it?s not supposed to be that way. How to carry on?? No, I don?t want to think about it just yet. I can?t and I don?t have to think about it. I believe it?s turned out to be kind of a vague story. It?ll be the fatigue. So I?m really, really going to sleep now. Promised. Bye Babe, S?ya in my dreams.

Hey Babe,

Strange day today. I transferred money to Bart and Ineke so they can go flying at Friday night and probably Saturday morning. Not that they?re flying at night, but is this little country it?s night, it daytime where you are. You weren?t found the last time. Maybe this time? Or will our patience be tested once more? I will light some extra candles on Friday. Not only for you, but also for Bart and Ineke, they?ll need it. I cant imagine what those two are feeling when flying above the area you disappeared. I think this area will be branded on their retinas for the rest of their lives. I gave an interview today. I was highly stressed off course. Just don?t say anything stupid just control my emotions. I even changed my clothes tree times. A bit stupid, it was for a newspaper. Luckily Stephan (the journalist) was very kind. He had some critical questions. But that doesn?t matter. It?s even good. I can imagine that some people think you?re no longer alive. Ah well, they don?t know you well enough. Even I doubt it sometimes. When enough people tell you that chances you?ve survived are getting smaller and smaller, you?d almost believe them, but then you wouldn?t be here with me. I don?t think I said something stupid, and I guess I had my emotions under control. It turned out to be a good piece. No idea whether I?ll be printed, tomorrow we?ll see. It?s a strange feeling to know tomorrow?s news today. I?d wish there this would be the case with all news. The chance is present, off course (That you won?t return). I know this. You always need to prepare for the worst, one says. Maybe they?re right, who knows. You?ll tell them babe. You?ll tell them all they?re wrong. Maybe this is a nice topic for all those electoral debates that are occurring lately; What this your point of view when authorities give up on somebody, that they?ve done everything possible within their capacities (I really (!) believe that) to find you? But when their family and friends say: No they?re alive. That?s why there will always be a distinction between an emotional moving-spring and an economical reasoning. What is wise, and who determines this? Is this a electoral decision, or is it ours? I will vote off course, or you?ll tell me off. Well, it?s not really true, a friend of mine will vote for me, but this is all right, isn?t it? One says; you get in life what you deserve. Have I deserved this? Has your family deserved this? Have your friends deserved this? I really think things happen for a reason. But it?s the first time in my life that I can?t think of any reason at all. What are the meaning and the use of your missing? What is the wise lesson we need to learn? Don?t go off on holiday? Don?t let your boyfriend leave because of a little voice inside your head or else? There are people not getting on airplanes because of that reason. Did they get it right? Why don?t I understand it? Well babe, I?m going to send Bart and his girl e-mail. I?ve been so busy with the site, that I didn't find any time the last couple of days to do this. Sleep tight, wherever you are. Kiss Joy?s.

Dear Marcel,

A friend of mine gave me a plant today. It was a four-leaf clover. My first thoughts: will this turn the tide? One of my old school-loves was the proverbs and sayings. Don?t ask me about grammar, but I?ve always been good at proverbs and sayings. That?s the one reason why I passed my Dutch exams.
That?s why I noticed the last couples of weeks, how many proverbs and sayings refer to water, the sea and boats. When I just found out that you were missing, I startled myself when using an expression containing the word water. Because blood is thicker than water, I started to look them up in my old books. We often don?t even know what a proverb means. We hear the bell ringing, but don?t know for whom it tolls. I still use them. People often laugh about it. ?Joy?s, you?re trying to tell me something, but I don?t know what you?re talking about.? Usually even I don?t know, but I just keep holding on. Like I?m holding on to the fact that you will return, although you left with the northern sun.

I also visited my favourite pub tonight. I just had to get out. But at the moment I arrived, I felt guilty. I still do every time. But I think I know you well enough to know that you think it?s okay for me to relax once in a while. Maybe relaxing is too big a word because you are always on our minds. But why do I feel so guilty?

Big kiss from your babes, Joy?s and Zorro.

Hey Honey

Since I started to keep this diary, I?ve made things quite difficult for myself. No more running away or hiding. I?m very good at that. Strong? That?s what people say about me, but you know better, right? When people are coming to visit me or I?m visiting them, it just seem like I?m becoming another Joy?s. And when I?m alone? What am I babbling about, even when I?m not alone, I feel alone, but I?m not showing it. Not that I don?t want to. In contrary, most of all I?d want to scream out loud to anyone and anywhere how powerless I feel. But I can?t. And it?s making me feel even more miserable then I already feel. Do you feel you?re alone? Are you scared?

With everything I do, I think of you and Jacco. When I?m eating (what are you eating?). When I?m drinking (Do you have any water?). When I?m walking (where are you walking?), when I?m sleeping (Under the same stars?), when I?m smoking, while listening music, when smelling you, all is you. Even when it isn?t you, then it?s you even more. I especially have it with music. I always had the strange habit of changing lyrics in my head so they would refer to me. But I don?t think I ever did it this often. The one moment there just has to be music playing, at other times I just can?t listen to music al all. Even the most superficial songs suddenly refer to you and how much I?m missing you.

I don?t think anyone can ease my suffering. And everybody is just trying so hard but I?ll have to carry handle it on own. Just like your friends and relatives. They have to handle it on their own as well; no one can change anything about it. Can you still handle it? I won?t ever get the same persons back as the ones I left at Schiphol. When you return, I?ll still have lost a piece of you. Just like you lost a piece of me. That thought hurts me the most. Why didn?t I give in to the feeling that told me this trip wouldn?t go right? I knew it, I?ve known it all this time.

While I?m writing this and reading it over it just needs two big blue dots at the bottom. This would fit the text at best. But it doesn?t go with this day. Today I found a new love. Serves you right, staying gone for so long. And I can?t help it that you?ve got such a lovely, sweet four-year-old nephew. Did you look this cute when you were four? You?re everything. And if it isn?t you, then it?s you even more.

Sleep tight Babe, see you tomorrow
Joy?s

Dear Marcel,

It?s gnawing at me. We have been searching for three weeks now and still nothing. You?d almost start believing in UFO?s (or that other word starting with K.). Can anybody tell me how five people; their boat and their equipment can suddenly vanish from this earth? Hopefully you can tell me later babe. It?s giving me a headache.

I hope you?re not worrying too much about us. Your family and me are well taken care of, sometimes even too good :-). It?s nice off course that everybody is so concerned but sometimes I just need to be by myself. Luckily this is understood. I?ve just cried enormously. That stupid Internet plug under your desk. It amazes me that I haven?t bumped my head more than I already did. Well, not in the literal meaning of the word. It?s weird how at one time you?re doing reasonably fine, then you bump your head and you start crying like a little girl. I guess its just stress. Sometimes? sometimes a good cry can very relieving.

Tomorrow I?m not going to school just yet. I?d rather spend some time with your family, especially if there?s any news about Bart and Ineke going flying again. It?s really amazing what those two can get done. It?s so smart; I don?t think I?d ever have it in me. I?m not subtle enough. The authorities would?ve thrown me back over the border. Now that the site is almost finished, I?m feeling how tired I really am. I could sleep for a week, sleep and dream. Every night I put a candle in the bedroom window so you can find your way home. Maybe it?s just stupid superstition. But sometimes a little gesture suddenly becomes very important. Well, it?s just been an off day today. Tomorrow things will go better. You are grinning so stupidly on the photograph. Like you know something, but you don?t want to tell me. You?ve got such a naughty face, and then that grin. It?s also that grin that?s telling me I shouldn't worry so much, that it?s all gone be all right. I can hear you say it already.

It?s already time to go to bed. Another day has gone. Was this a day that you?ve been gone longer or was it a day closer to your return?

Kiss Joy?s

Hey Babe

We used to have a pact, you and me?
Not moving in together for a while, each our own space. I don?t like telling you this, but I do believe I sneakily moved in with you. Since I heard of your missing, I?m living at your place. You will be fed up with it, but I don?t feel at home at my own place in my own house. All my things man nothing to me. And there you are, at the other side off the world, aren?t you exaggerating a little bit with your need of space. Don?t you miss your things? Or is it like with me?. All relative?

All my things, which I used to find so important and I was oh so proud of, mean nothing now. I need to be where I can feel you. This means I?ve taken over your spot on the couch, your side of the bed, your clothes which still scent like my Marcel. A lot of people find it difficult to come here now you?ve extended your holiday. But even when I just visit the supermarket or go into town, I get so terribly restless. I can only find some peace at Franz and Sandra?s. But this is mainly because they?re helping us to build the website. Do you like it? I do, it?s just the reason why?

Yep, your babe is becoming a real technician. Talking about babes, your other babe (Zorro, the cat) is going through a real change. From free spirited, self-sustaining, alley cat to a real cosy and friendly house tiger. Don?t be afraid, she still doesn?t like being cuddled :-). She realises something is really different. Her owner isn?t just on holiday and I think she doesn?t like it at all. She?s following me everywhere (something she has never done). When I?m sitting at the computer, she cosily sits herself under my chair , when I?m sitting in the living room, she finds a spot near me (Except when Ollie is around :-) she hasn?t changed a bit concerning this). Only at night, when I?m lying in bed, she thinks: right? now its my turn to make amuck. We take good care of each other this way. That was one of the first things Rien wanted to know, who is taken care of uncle Marcel?s cat? He?s only 4 years old and already reacting very responsibly. I know now for sure that he?s grows up to be cat lover as well.

Please return soon, so we can review our pact.
I won?t call out so loud that I need my space, it?s clear to me now that space is set in your heart (because I can feel you there) and isn?t spacious at all. Except when divided by tons of ocean water.

Sleep tight babe.

Dear Babe

Sometimes I get so mad, because you?re alive. I can feel it in the back of my neck and in my heart. Where are you dammit, and why cant you reach us. Those mood swings, all day long, it?s driving me insane. What if? imagine that?. And still no options on where you can be. Maybe in hostile territory. Merchandise, this word keeps haunting my mind. If so, than at leas they?re being fed. It may be a while. Well, we?re not going anywhere, that?s what I told his mother this week. Sometimes this whole situation makes you laugh. That keeps me standing. What if? imagine that? I actually hate these two little sentences because they?re not helping at all. Luckily they?ll be flying again real soon. This is something tangible, but also very scary, because what if? imagine that?
Just give me my dreams

When I?m sleeping you?re there
When I?m sleeping I?m dreaming of you
And when I?m dreaming I hear your voice
And I her your laugh
And when I?m sleeping I can forget
And when I?m sleeping I can cry
But when I?m dreaming I dreaming the best
When I?m dreaming you are here

See you soon Babe

Dear Marcel,

Music always takes an important place in your life. Before you went on holiday you felt really shit; 199 LP?s and not 200. Therefore I give you this song.

Richard Marx

Right here waiting

Oceans apart day after day
And I slowly go insane
I hear your voice on the line
But it doesn?t stop the pain

If I see you next to never
How can we cay forever

Wherever you go
Whatever you do
I will be right here waiting for you
Whatever it takes
Or how my heart breaks
I will be right here waiting for you

I took for granted, all the time
That I though would last somehow
I hear the laughter, I taste the tears
But I can?t get near you now

Oh, can?t you see it baby
You?ve got me going crazy

Wherever you go
What ever you do
I will be right here waiting for you
Whatever it takes
Or how my heart breaks
I will be right here waiting for you

I wonder how we can survive this romance
But in the end if I?m with you
I?ll take my chance

Oh, can?t you see it baby
You?ve got me going crazy

Wherever you go
What ever you do
I will be right here waiting for you
Whatever it takes
Or how my heart breaks
I will be right here waiting for you

Kisses Joy?s